NFL Week 8 Picks

NFL Week 8: London Calling. Also, I Don’t Understand Why Water Pills Are Considered Performance Enhancing Drugs

Hey gang,

It’s been kind of a crazy week (and weekend), which is why I’m making the picks on Sunday morning. So this might not be in time to do you any good, if you’re in a pick ‘em league or enjoy sports betting (who doesn’t?) but the important thing is I’m soldiering on and making the picks, albeit at the last minute. Went 8-6 last week, expecting a better performance this time around. Read on for picks and insight (which may or may not incite change).

Tampa Bay at Dallas: BUCCANEERS. Earlier this week, I felt confident in this pick. Tampa Bay looks dangerous this year. Jeff Garcia is playing unbelievably well for a quarterback his age. The Bucs may actually be the second-best team in the NFC, behind the Giants. Plus the Cowboys are a mess. Pacman suspended again, Romo out, safety Roy Williams out (brief tangent: I‘ve come up with a good way to differentiate between the two Roy Williamses. From now on I will refer to wide receiver Roy Williams as WRoy Williams and strong safety Roy Williams as Roy WilliamSS), people speculating about Wade’s job security. So all things seem to be pointing to the Bucs here. But then I started getting worried. Is this one of those sucker punch games where one team is going to seem so obvious, and then their opponent dominates them? I don’t know. But I worry.

Washington at Detroit: REDSKINS. I remain unimpressed by Washington, but they get the pick again because they’re playing a terrible opponent. Still, NFL teams don’t go 0-16. Cincinnati and Detroit will both win at least once by season’s end. Will this week be the one for either of them? I’m going with Washington, but I won’t be shocked if today is Detroit’s moment in the sun, so to speak. You know, to the extent you can be in the sun when you play in a dome in Detroit.

Buffalo at Miami: THE BILLS. We’ve had success against Chad Pennington in the past, and I’m not too worried about Miami’s passing game. I think anyone who plays the Dolphins needs to be somewhat concerned about the Ronnie Brown factor, but I believe our front seven will be able to handle the Wildcat formation. By the way, the Wildcat is named after the West Genesee Wildcats, the football team of a central New York high school, not far from where I live. The Marshawn Lynch big game watch continues. Six games into the season and no 100-yarders yet? Come on, offensive line, let’s get it together. The Beast must be unleashed! But if Trent keeps completing 80+ percent of his passes, I’ll let it slide.

St. Louis at New England: PATRIOTS. I’m about to say something crazy. Just giving you fair warning. I’m not picking the Rams this week, because as much as they’ve improved, winning on the road in Foxboro is a tough order to fill. BUT… I do think the Rams have an outside shot of making the playoffs. Yes, you read that correctly. Here’s how it could happen. If they lose to the Patriots today, they will drop to 2-5. Obviously, this makes their playoff hopes dim. However, they play in a weak division, and the Rams have been getting better every game this season. At first, the progress was hard to see. When they lost to the Bills by 17 points and dropped to 0-4, things looked dismal. But the Rams were in that game until late in the fourth quarter, and the margin of defeat was actually their smallest of the season to that point. Baby steps, guys. Progress is progress. Then they had a bye week, fired their coach, came back and won two games in a row, looking good doing it. Okay, you may be saying, I see your point, but if they lose today, they’re still 2-5. How do they make the playoffs? Here’s how-- their division is terrible. The Cardinals look scary right now, but you have to expect Kurt Warner to either get injured or suffer a meltdown and start chucking interceptions at some point. Then Matt Leinart will come in, and Matt has not been playing all season, and has probably been spending most of his time having threesomes in hot tubs with supermodels and drinking bottles of Labatt Blue Light delivered by hot girls on skates. Needless to say, he will be rusty. Meanwhile, the Rams will be surging behind them in the standings, and the Cardinals do not exactly have a distinguished history of handling pressure with aplomb and grace.

San Diego at New Orleans at London: CHARGERS. Most of the week, I planned on picking New Orleans. I think they will handle the transatlantic journey better than San Diego, partly because the Chargers played in Buffalo last weekend and then moved on straight to the UK, so it’s been a long time since they’ve seen sunny southern California. I’m switching my pick to the Chargers because of the crazy week the Saints have had. First, they lose Reggie Bush for several games. Then they cross the Atlantic. Then the story breaks that four NFL players have tested positive for banned substances, and three of them are Saints-- defensive end Will Smith, defensive end Charles Grant, and running back Deuce McAllister. With Reggie injured and Deuce staring at a 4-game suspension, I present to you Sentence I Never Thought I Would Write #397: Now might be a good time to sign Pierre Thomas to your fantasy team.

Kansas City at Jersey Jets: JETS. I don’t think this one needs a lot of explanation. The Jets are at home, the Chiefs are terrible, looks like an easy win for the gunslinger’s crew. Hey, remember when everyone loved Larry Johnson and he was a consensus #1 fantasy pick and people talked about him running for over 2,000 yards in a season? Neither do I.

Atlanta at Philadelphia: EAGLES. The Falcons are one of the feel-good stories of this season. Things really couldn’t have worked out better for them with Michael Turner and Matt Ryan. The Eagles, meanwhile, have been troubled. They might be better than their 3-3 record, as some have argued, but they’ve just been too inconsistent to be taken seriously as contenders. Still, have to go with them in this spot because they’re at home, Westbrook is coming back, and they need this win badly.

Oakland at Baltimore: RAVENS. The Raiders playing on the east coast at 1 p.m. against a team with a great defense, and they might be missing Darren McFadden. This should not end well for Oakland. Still, they do have a chance because the Ravens are unpredictable, and half of Baltimore’s team has an injury of some kind. Yesterday, a horse named Raven’s Pass upset Curlin in the Breeders’ Cup Classic. This would be more interesting if the Ravens had a great passing game. Alas, they do not.

Arizona at Carolina: PANTHERS. Don’t talk yourself into picking Arizona. Just don’t do it. I know it’s tempting. They’re coming off back to back victories over the Bills and Cowboys, they just had a bye week, and they look like one of the rising teams in the NFL. You’re tempted, aren’t you? You want to pick the Cardinals. Here’s how to solve that: Remember Arizona’s last road game, against the Jets. Yes, that would be the game when Kurt Warner turned the ball over 6 times and Brett Favre threw 6 touchdown passes. Still thinking of picking the Cards? Slap yourself across the face-- hard-- and take a shot of whiskey. That should clear your head. You’re welcome.

Cleveland at Jacksonville: JAGUARS. The Browns have looked friskier lately, but they’re still not very good and the Jaguars have had an extra week of preparation for this game. Seems fairly straightforward. Of course, nothing is as it seems in the NFL, so the Browns will probably win by 30.

Cincinnati at Houston: TEXANS. Someone look into this for me and find out what Ryan Fitzpatrick’s major was at Harvard. I mean, I know he’s making good money getting thrown to the wolves every week, but it has to be pretty damn unpleasant. You’d think he might want to get started on whatever non-football career he had in mind. I’m sure employers would jump at the chance to hire a guy with a Harvard diploma who also started several games at quarterback in the NFL. At the very least he should be able to turn this into some kind of reality show. Maybe Leinart could be part of this? I don’t know, I’m just kicking ideas around. Back to the game-- look for Andre Johnson to dominate again today.

Jersey Giants at Pittsburgh: GIANTS. Toughest call of the week, without a doubt. I went with the Giants because I have concerns about Pitt’s offensive line, and Willie Parker is still hurt. The Giants’ pass rush should present serious problems for the Steelers. It will still be hard to go into the house that ketchup built and get a win, but I think the champs will be up to the challenge.

Seattle at San Francisco: 49ERS. I guess. Ugh. This is definitely the dog of the week. This might be the game I’ve been least interested in all season. The only flicker of interest I have here is that it’s Mike Singletary’s first game as coach of the Niners. He seems like he would be a good coach, and probably a very intense one. I would be scared of Mike Singletary, whether I was playing for him or against him.

Indianapolis at Tennessee: TITANS. You have to pick Tennessee here. They’re 6-0, Indy is 3-3. The Titans have looked dominant all season; the Colts have shown flashes of brilliance but have been woefully inconsistent. On the other hand, the Colts have owned the Titans in the recent past, and that trend could continue. Maybe the Colts are just in their heads. And before long, the weight of being the only undefeated team in the league will start to take a toll on Tennessee. If this game were in Indy, I would probably take the Colts. But since it’s in Nashville, on Monday night, and the seats will be filled with many thousands of screaming fans falling down drunk on moonshine, gotta go with the Titans. By the way, congrats to LenDale White for finally getting into shape and living up to his potential. I had already written him off as a bust, but he’s proving me wrong. Could this year’s AFC Championship be a rematch of the Music City Miracle game? It doesn’t look all that far-fetched right now. The idea makes me want to hurl, and I’m not sure if it’s excitement or terror.

All right, that’s it. The end of the picks for this week. Writing that article felt good, I have to say. First time I’ve done the meaty, overly long football article in several weeks. Good times. I hope it was as good for you as it was for me. I need a cigarette.

Have a week.

-Niztradamus